Helping Neurodivergent Kids Build Real Friendships

Adapted with attribution from the Child Mind Institute Thriving Kids newsletter.

Many kids with ADHD, autism, or a learning disorder come to believe that making friends means “masking” who they really are. So they study everyone around them, try to blend in, and hope it works. They hide the fidgeting, agree with opinions they don’t hold, and over-apologize for awkward moments. But as ADHD and executive function coach Caroline Maguire explains, the children who work hardest to hide their true selves are often the loneliest.

The problem, Maguire argues, is that this kind of masking — concealing who you are to seem more typical — doesn’t actually build authentic friendships. True connection comes from shared interests, a shared sense of humor, or shared experiences. And finding common ground is nearly impossible when a child has buried the real version of themselves.

On a recent episode of the Thriving Kids podcast, Dr. Dave Anderson of the Child Mind Institute talks with Caroline Maguire, MEd, PCC, an ADHD and executive function coach and the author of Friendship Skills for Neurodivergent Adults, about a more workable approach: helping kids stay true to themselves while also learning the concrete skills that friendship requires.

If your child struggles to make or keep friends, here are a few ideas from that conversation — and from the clinicians at the Child Mind Institute — that you can put to work this week.

Start with who they are, not who they’re “supposed” to be

Kids who feel they have to hide their real selves tend to feel shame, and shame makes connecting even harder. Let your child know the goal isn’t to become someone else — it’s to find people who click with the person they already are. Notice out loud what’s great about them, remind them that they only need a couple of good friends (not the whole class), and treat unmasking as a gradual process rather than a switch they can flip overnight.

Let their interests do the introducing

Shared interests are the fastest way to find your people. Look for structured, interest-based activities where a passion is the price of admission: a robotics or chess club, a theater or choir group, a sport, a Dungeons & Dragons table, or an art or anime meetup. Because everyone is there for the same reason, your child walks in with something to talk about and a built-in reason to come back.

Treat social situations as training, not a test

Kids don’t need to get it perfect; they need practice. Rehearse tricky moments ahead of time (walking up to a group, starting a conversation, handling a “no”), role-play them at home, and try short “social scripts” for common exchanges. When something goes sideways, do a calm post-mortem together: what happened, what part was hard, and what to try next time. Framing social interaction as a skill — like a multi-step math problem — takes the shame out of stumbling.

Right-size the friendship before your child does

Many neurodivergent kids get so excited by a promising connection that they instantly crown a new acquaintance their “best friend” — and then are crushed when the feeling isn’t returned with the same intensity. Gently teach them that there are stages to getting to know someone, as well as different kinds of connections: there are people you say hello to, acquaintances, new friends, and the rare close friend. This helps kids relax, move at a realistic pace, and avoid the disappointment that comes from expecting too much too soon.

Honor the introvert (and the anxious kid)

Being introverted isn’t a problem to fix; quiet kids make wonderful, loyal friends. Make sure they still get chances to connect on their own terms. Try hosting the first hangout at home where they’re most comfortable, let them bring along a friend they already trust, and nudge them to stretch just a little past what feels easy rather than all the way to the deep end.

Making friends relies on a set of skills any child can build. When kids stay themselves and pick up the tools, the right people have a real chance to find them.

About This Article

This article is adapted from the Child Mind Institute’s Thriving Kids newsletter, written by Dave Anderson, PhD, Senior Psychologist and Vice-President of Public Engagement and Education at the Child Mind Institute, and featuring the work of Caroline Maguire, MEd, PCC. It is shared here with attribution for the Parkside community. The original conversation appears on the Thriving Kids Parenting Podcast, available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube.